I keep forgetting to update, and when I do remember, I rarely have time. Facebook makes it so much easier to keep the universe updated on my life. It is a great time eater, much as Livejournal was in my early days on the internet.

Last night I visited with Sam and Abouna a middle eastern music ensemble, based upon the poems of Mahmoud Dariwsh. It was amazing. And there was an insane amount of audience participation; the only thing I could have likened it to in my cultural framework would be a viewing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show, but it was more of a positive experience; the musicians encouraged people to sing along, and clap, and even dance to the music. It was like a giant crazy party. And it was amazingly fun. I'm very glad I went, as I almost didn't go.

It reminded me of all the times I drove across Arizona at night, listening to the oud play across the strings of time and distance and long miles with Persian modes, to and from church, or across the state for jobs or birding. It made a poem come to mind, which I frantically typed in the corner of the theater:

( The Beat of the desert )

Other news? I've had some interviews, but no real luck of finding a job in this city, which is, again, frustrating. Especially since I have a reason to stay in the city. Though this is, again, not what I was expecting to happen a month ago. But I am being told to stay, and so I shall stay. God wants me here for a reason, and I pray that both I can discern that reason, fulfill it, and eventually be rewarded with, someday, a little kingdom in the mountains.

If a job doesn't pan out, well, I guess there's more debt I can accrue and get a second graduate degree in something else. Geology, maybe. Or even art school. At some point, though, definitely going to find an iconographer to work with. People here have remarked that I do have some sort of latent God-granted talent for it, as evidenced by my latest work, which was an icon of St. Achmet the Calligrapher.



(That being said, I hate describing icons as "written." The same word in Greek means BOTH write and paint. It's a stupid distinction. You use a lot of the same techniques in painting as you do in iconography, it's the approach that's different. Ostensibly. Yet I've approached all of my paintings as work of spiritual reverence. Does this mean that my landscapes are also icons? Or my paintings of warblers? By the Orthodox viewpoint, no, they are not. Yet I would disagree, as all of my paintings, even my abstracts, are windows into the Kingdom of God and His Creation. So, in my mind, all I've been painting all along are icons. See? Issue of semantics.)

Which reminds me, I never did post the last images of the Holy Week Series on here, either. Hm, Better do that now.

( Holy Friday: Stavros the World Tree )

( Holy Saturday: The Abolition of Hades )

( Pascha: The Eighth Day of Creation )

Last night I had two dreams that I can recall, at least, and somehow, I feel like they're tied together. In the first, I was chasing down butterflies on a world where the sun was bright blue-white. I was in a field in the mountains, there were flowers like purple lupines and yellow columbines. But they were different, distinct. Odd. But at the same time, seemed perfectly normal. Everything was colorful, more colorful than usual. I was looking at a butterfly that was like a Luna Moth---in fact, I'd feel more comfortable calling it a moth than a butterfly--like a Luna Moth, but it was white and yellow, with purple antennae. Then there was a bright flash of light and it ended.

Second dream, I was a commander of a fleet of spacecraft, coming out of hyperspace. We were coming in orbit around a planet with two moons, with bright turquoise seas and emerald continents, orbiting a blue sun. It had risen up in rebellion against the Empire of the Romans. Yes. A space-faring Romano-Byzantine army, judging by the insignia, the name of the ships (the one I was riding on was referred to as a Theotokion-class command carrier, called the Saint Huascar... which obviously links this to the Basileon ton Tsinusuinyon alternate universe which I had the one dream about years previously). Anyway, the fleet came out of hyperspace, a fleet of three hundred ships. We were coming to slam down this rebellion, and hard. Our goal was to turn the planet to slag as a warning against other potential rebellions. And we did, brutally, obliterating every city on the world, and then some. Except the plan backfired. The brutal suppression of the rebellion caused multiple other rebellions, across the empire, on ethnic lines. The Arabs/Persians revolted, the Indians revolted, the Chinese revolted. The fleet wasn't big enough to contain all the rebellions, so the Empire decided to just grant them all autonomy and be done with it.

My subconscious brain is a very very odd place, sometimes. Anyway, this week's goal is to have a car by Saturday.

I won't lie, I am absolutely terrified right now. Not sure what to do next, or where to go.

So. Here's...sort of what's going on.

Ish.

I am now dating a wonderful nerdy science-oriented woman. This is a bit of a problem, though it's awesome, and she has curves which would delight any sort of renaissance painter. It's more of the...now I might have to decide not to go west.

And I'm honestly a bit torn. So we'll see how it goes. It's still a bit early yet.

But I do really like her, and I haven't had this same bit of chemistry with someone in YEARS. Like...since Lauren, actually. It's very strange. I wonder why that is the case. Course, we're only about a week and a half in, so it's still pretty early yet. Sadly, she's Not Orthodox either, which will cause problems, but she has deist leanings, and those I can work with, as in the same way how I worked on those myself to fit them into a proper Orthodox framework. And, I suppose if I had no interest in a future family, it wouldn't matter--or if she was okay with raising the kids Orthodox. Again, this is all a bit early to be thinking about yet.

She took me to see the Esker, out in Quincy/Weymoth. That's where we first kissed, under the shadow of an ancient glacier. It's also where i had the first thought that, to be trained with a mindset of Geology, you see the world in four dimensions; the fourth, of course, being Time.

Also there was an osprey there. Spring has largely sprung, I actually did hear a warbler the other day! And I also saw Tree Swallows on Pascha. Spring is here.

Brain is a bit spastic right now, so again, sorry about the randomness of this entry. Which reminds me, I also need to post the latest set of paintings; finished the Holy Week series.

Life has gotten interesting this last week and a half. At some point I actually need to go into detail. But so much to do....

Whelp, didn't get the Colorado job.

More paintings in the Holy Week series:

( Holy Tuesday )

( Holy Wednesday )

( Holy Thursday )

So: I've come to a decision.

I'm going to move to Colorado, after I'm done here. I'm tired of New England insanity. I don't fit here. And Boston, as lovely as it might be, has turned me into a bitter shell of my old self. I'm no longer as kind as I used to be, as loving as I used to be, as patient as I used to be. I don't like the dark person I'm becoming, and it's time for me to break away, while I still can, while I still have a heart; while my soul still belongs to God.

I haven't decided where in Colorado yet I'll go, but right now, I'm leaning towards Colorado Springs or Denver. I've only applied for one job there so far; the information assistant for the WNPA at Great Sand Dunes, but haven't heard anything back yet. Which would essentially be the exact same job I used to have at Montezuma Castle, but that wasn't so bad.

The only good things to come out of my sojourn here are very important things; a restructuring of my faith on a proper stable foundation, a rediscovery of my artistic penchants, some realizations about the nature and energies of romance, and some really awesome friends (I'm looking at you, <lj user="djpower"), yes, but the time to leave is now. I will miss all my friends here, greatly and deeply. We shall have to have a reunion in England. At the Eagle and Child. No question there. You should also all visit me out west. Boston's also a city which has been pretty dead to me, romantically; a series of failed ventures in quick succession, which, again, while teaching me much, hasn't been fulfilling in the slightest. I now know I need to date exclusively Orthodox; the problem being that there probably isn't any orthodox women weird enough to be with me on a regular basis that isn't already married. The Incident in the Tower of Light in the Nighttime has taught me that the opposite extreme; dating someone who, while quirky, is normal enough to balance me out, isn't going to work on their end. To be fair, what Boston has also taught me is that I don't really need to be in a relationship to be happy. It's one of those "it would be nice" accouterments, but, really, I'm fine with my own little tower, my own friends, my own little kingdom under God's rule. I'll learn iconography, get a job to pay the bills and pay off the student loans, and then maybe worry about opening the borders again. Or by then, maybe I'll be at peace with the world, and especially myself, enough to maybe perhaps approach the celibate life in the world as a simple iconographer. I'm not entitled to have a wife or family, it's a privileged thing that, maybe, I'm not worthy for. And that's okay because God will give me other things to do that He feels I would be better at, and I shall be glorified through those. For now, the walls have been raised again, and all along the watchtower in the long night, the princes will keep the view. That being said, I'm now halfway through the Holy Week painting group. Not exactly happy with how Holy Wednesday turned out, but oh well. I'll post it later.

I am sorry for
all the pain I caused
all the things I did
all that which I did not do;
everything which I couldn't do;
all which I could not be for you.

But I trust
all is well for you.
That your life is beautiful
that your hope hasn't faltered.

I hope your life is beautiful;
has been beautiful without me in it.

I am sorry that I couldn't be
that which you wanted to be.
But all has turned out for the better,
I think.

Forgive me.

New paintings. First is the piece which I was worried might be the culmination of all things. But I'm still alive. God still has a purpose for me.



I present the Theotokos of Arizona.




Palm Sunday: Hosanna.




Holy Monday: Blood and wine

I really want this job at Great Sand Dunes. Even though it's only a seasonal position; and there's no housing nearby, to be camping in the wilderness will harken to mind the monks of old, and their warfare against the evil one in the desert.

It will force me to be alone with myself, and to change myself for the better.